Learning the 5 Love Languages
Laura Lucas' review of the book
"The Five Love Languages"
by Gary Chapman.
It is ESSENTIAL, in my opinion, to understand the different Personality Colors (types) to help us understand others and how to communicate most effectively. Just as there are 4 primary personality colors (types), there are 5 primary Love Languages. Understanding this Love Languages builds on that foundation of personality types by taking it a step further and identifying the "Language" in which the people in our lives communicate and express love.
At this time, I want to clarify 2 terms:
"Language" -any set or system of words or symbols as used in a more or less uniform fashion by a number of people, who are thus enabled to communicate intelligibly with one another.
>>Example: Saying "I love you," in American English to someone who only speaks French would NOT commuicate your intended message. It would NOT be understood, But saying "Je t'aime." (in French) would CLEARLY express the same message.
"Dialect" - a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language; a special variety of a language
>>Example: The primary language of the United States is American English. However people in Texas sound different than people in Boston: people in Minnesota sound different from people in Georgia. And yes, people in Kentucky speak "Bluegrass" American (**GRIN**)
So just as we want to communicate with others in a verbal Language that they can understand, we want to be aware of what Love Language they understand and communicate in that language. In that way we maximize our communication and receive the fullest response to our efforts.
Are they UNDERSTANDING what you're trying to express???
Why is this so important?? Love is a primary human emotional need. Increasing our understanding and "fluency" of Love will contribute to our own personal development and impact our relationship with others.
SO???? How does this apply to Business builders you may ask.
Often times, Your ability to focus and build a business from home is impacted by the significant people in your life. Their love and support can lift you up, and just as easily their nagging and criticisms can tear you down.
What if their lack of support or negative words were just a "SIGNAL" that they were feeling unloved? How you spend your time, what you talk about, and where you invest your money may be sending them the WRONG message if you are not aware of what love-language they speak. If you could ease the tension or gain their support, would that help you???
I say "Yes."
Learning more about the 5 Love Languages
is a prudent investment in yourself and your business.
Gary Chapman identifies 5 Primary Languages of Love, and acknowledges some variations of "dialect" within each language. He states that each person has 1 or 2 primary "love languages" they can understand or receive--if the love being offered is not in "their language," they will not be able to understand what's being offered. Similar to the example I mentioned earlier about speaking English to someone that only speaks French. How about if someone came up to you and said something in Japanese or Russian?? would you understand them?? most likely not. So when you can identify what language someone receives love in, you can effectively offer your love in a way that will be understood.
As I discuss each Love Language, you will likely start to reflect on yourself and others close to you in an attempt to identify the "Love Language." Please keep in mind that GIVING and RECEIVING go hand-in-hand; however, a person may "GIVE" or offer love in a language other than they "RECEIVE" in. This difference can be for a variety of reasons, but simply put is often a "learned" or "programed" way to express love.
1.) Words of Affirmation
2.) Quality Time
3.) Receiving Gifts
4.) Acts of Service
5.) Physical Touch
1.) Words of Affirmation:
"The tongue has the power of life and death." (Gary Chapman)
For persons with this primary love-language, they need to HEAR verbal compliments and words of appreciation. They need to hear that they look good, prepared a great meal, are appreciated for what they did do such as mowing the grass or working hard to provide a comfortable home, etc. They thrive on your encouragement and affirmation of their abilities. These must be genuine expressions, not just flattery in order to get what you want. Body language and tone of voice are key factors in expressing this love-language.
The book reminds us, "Love makes requests, not demands."
>>Note: In addition to clearly detailing each love-language the end of each chapter has wonderful, practical suggestions to help you become more "fluent" in each language.
2.) Quality Time:
"Togetherness."
For persons with this primary love-language, they require giving your undivided attention, not just your physical proximity--looking into their eyes, doing something with them that they value or enjoy doing. This love-language is notable for 2 significant dialects:
Dialect of Quality Conversation: Don't confuse this one with words-of-affirmation which focuses SAYING. Rather quality-conversation focuses on HEARING, listening sympathetically, asking questions with a genuine desire to understand thoughts/feelings/desires. Make eye contact. Don't "do" other things at the sametime. Listen for feelings. Observe body language. Refuse to interupt. Please note, quality-conversation involves not only sympathetic listening, but also SELF-REVELATION.
At this point Gary Chapman refers to 2 personality characteristics, DEAD SEA and BABBLING BROOK. We know this thru the Colors training as Self-Contained (Dead Sea) and Open (Babbling Brook). He also points out how these opposites often attract and are a 'good match' while dating--since one like to do all the talking and the other one is relieved not tohave to talk much at all. However, this 'fit' is short lived, especially in a marriage. The Open-person eventually crave more openness and sharing from the other; while the self-contained one suffers from information overload and may withdraw from truly listening.
Once again, the chapter offers some great concrete steps to help. Especially for self-contained personalities that are trying to communicate in this love-language.
Dialect of Quality Activities: Communicating in this dialect requires experiencing something together. You willing "do" or actively participate in an activity that the other person enjoys, and do it with a postive attitude. To communicate in this love-language, the activity must be something the other person values or enjoys. And remember, your attitude while participating in the activity is key.
Where will you FIND the time?? Gary Chapman honestly concludes there is NO time to be found--You must MAKE the time!!! Making time to express your love is as ESSENTIAL as "lunch and dinner."
3.) Receiving Gifts:
The gift itself is a symbol of a thought, a visual symbol of love. The gift can be purchased, found, or made. What matters is the thought, time, and/or effort that went into the gift. Cost is generally of little importance unless it is greatly out of line with what can be afforded.
For persons with a "savers" mentality, this may require an attitude change toward money to be an effective gift-giver. "Savers" will experience some emotional resistance to spending money, but investing in a significant other and fulfilling their love needs is well worth it.
Dialect of Gift of Self or Presence: With this dialect, your physical presence, your body, becomes the symbol of love.
4.) Acts of Service:
This love-language is expressed thru DOING; doing something you know will please the other person. The act will require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy such as cooking a meal, keeping a clean house, washing the car, mowing the grass, painting a room. When an activity they value is done with a postive attitude it express your love.
Gary Chapman points out that this may require a reexamination of stereotypes of roles. Out past experiences and programming can greatly impact our prospective, but if we truly want to express our love we may need to consider acts of service previously outside of our learned role.
**Note: "What we do for each other BEFORE marriage is no indication of of what we will do AFTER marriage."
5.) Physical Touch:
Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love. Holding hands, hugging, running your fingers thru their hair, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all examples of physical touch. Love touches can be simple and brief such as putting your hand on their shoulder or sitting close on the couch; other love touches may demand more time and attention such as massaging or intercourse. A slap in the face or, on the contrary, a hug can communicate your feelings to most people; but, if their primary love-language is touch it "shouts" your message. If touch is their primary love-language, nothing is more important than holding them as they cry. Your touch communicates you care.
Dialect of Sexual Intercourse: Note that having a strong desire for sexual intercourse does not necessarily make it the primary love-language.
Discover YOUR Primary Love-Language with these 3 Questions:
1.) What does your loved-one do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2.) What have you most often requested of your loved-one? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3.) In what way do you regularly express love to your loved-one? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.
Different dialects are the result of each individual being influenced by personality type (color), parents, perception, emotions, needs, and desires.
One of the clearest clues to a primary love-language is listening to the person's criticisms about behavior--"You don't appreciate me," "You never spend any time with me." "You never listen to me," "You never bring me flowers anymore," "Where were you when I needed you?" Often times these hurtful phrases are cries for love and attention-now you have a tool to translate them and thereby understand them.
Love is a CHOICE. It can not be coerced. Each of us must decide daily to Love.
This review is a mere highlight of the wonderful nuggets of valuable information contained in the book. The author has several versions more target to specific audiences, such a Married Couples, Men's Edition, of Children, of Teenagers, for Singles as well as other titles too numerous to mention.
Presented by Your Friend in KY and MLM, Laura Lucas
